Monday, April 24, 2006

Shades of Gay
A while back, a friend and I were discussing attitudes and the gay community. For some stupid reason I'm wondering what the Baptists think, and I'm online reading an article detailing the various church attitudes about homosexuality when this bubble pops out of the tar:

"Homosexuality is an imperfection like colorblindness. It is not quite the fullness of God's blessing. There is no personal culpability, but the condition involves some risks and disadvantages (just as colorblindness can cause some problems -- as I know since I am color-deficient...)"~ Michael L. Westmoreland-White.

I'm left with this shattering observation: Mike's not gay, and he's color-deficient.

Now I'm not PC enough to be "color-deficient," but I am mildly colorblind. Like Mike, I'm also not gay. Don't get me wrong - I'm not fiercely "not-gay," and I'm comfortable enough to be curious. My little gray Vienna sausage of a brain is skipping full-speed down a colorful San Francisco street.

No disrespect to Mike, but I'm wondering if all heterosexual gay-bashing religious zealots are colorblind. I start Googling "Jerry Falwell + colorblindness." No mention of Falwell, but Google thinks I should click

Jesus Christ on a colorwheel… this ugly-ass site is coded completely in black and white.

Okay, Google: What about Fred Phelps? Yep. Ugly website. Black and white, with just a touch of repressed blue.

Is it that simple? Maybe so. Religious nuts are notoriously simplistic. I expected that. What else? The tiny brain is taking notes.

A lot of men are colorblind.
A lot of men are not gay.
A lot of men have no sense for color coordination in fashion.
A lot of gay men have great fashion sense.

I have to ask. Can a man be gay and colorblind?

Evidently, the question isn't unheard of. Google leads me to a gay rights forum where a member posted a few years ago asking if there was a gay man in the forum who was colorblind. Three years later, not one colorblind gay man has outed himself with a reply. Not one.

My head is swimming, and there's no tanned lifeguard on duty. Life as we know it could change in ways we could never predict.We should definitely explore this. Money should be spent.

Where's the government when you need them to waste millions on frivolous research? Google says they're probably at a ball game, watching men tussle, posing for photo ops, and wolfing foot-long hotdogs. Google assures me they're wearing suits of plain gray.

I can avoid it no longer. The most penetrating question worms its way out of the sausage. I'm a poet. Are most male poets, umm…. not "color-deficient?"

So now I'm asking about poets and colors. Google thinks for a second, then shows me poems with pink bougainvillea and chartreuse walls, warm reds, soothing greens, nurturing blues. The screen is a big pink poodle lounging on a couch of color and contrast. Sheesh. No wonder my friends think all poets are gay.

Great monochrome God... What if they're right?

What if I'm gay, too?

Sure... it was the wife who taped that picture of Tom Cruise to the ceiling, but I've tossed my head back and accidentally looked at it a few times. Criminy.

What if I'm in denial?

Wait! I can't be gay... I'm colorblind! Sweet black and white Jesus, that was a close one.

Another chilling thought, and Internet Explorer grinds to a stop.

When they cure colorblindness - and you know they will - we will all be gay.

There's a cure for heterosexuality. Extinction is inevitable. The last time God killed the world, there was a rainbow on the horizon. Click the browser's back button. Repent.

The end is coming, looking at Tom Cruise.

posted by Carl Bryant @ 1:47 PM   9 comments Literary Shirts

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At 1:00 PM, Blogger SarahJane said...

But blind guys are also technically colorblind, too, right? You know any gay blind guys? If yes, your theory's up.



At 4:16 PM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

It's mean to smother a tiny brain with facts, Sarah...



At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Art Durkee said...

Stumbled on this during one of those Net peregrinnations where you just click through links to see where you end up, and I admit, I alughed out loud.

As a gay man myself who is not color-blind, I can say that I DO know at least two gay men who are color-blind, and several more who are out and out blind.

hope that helps with skewing the statistical average!



At 2:22 PM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

Thanks, Art.

I suppose there may be no cure for heterosexuality, after all.




At 1:58 AM, Blogger SarahJane said...

ah ha ha ha! see,
yer busted, carl.



At 3:42 AM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

Yes ma'am.

Yet another perfectly stoopid theory - shot to hell.

Only a few more hours of torture, and Char and I will have your new discussion board complete. Yay.



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