Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I heart poetry dot com

How do I know if I won your contest?
Winners are notified immediately. Congratulations! You've won our contest!

So you're going to publish my poem? In a real book?
Yes - with real paper and everything. The title will be "Trees - Shmees."

Wait a minute... Did I really just win your contest?
Yes! You're not going to believe this, but... You're about to become a semifinalist for our $1,000 and $10,000 prizes! We'll soon ask you to attend a poet's conference!

It's like you know the future. How are you doing this?
We also run a psychic friends website. Now you're thinking about......
spitting your gum so you can walk to the mailbox without falling.

Amazing! Will I find anything exciting in my mailbox?
Almost. If the government hadn't stopped Publisher's Clearing House...
we're pretty sure you might've already been a winner.

What can I do about the government cheating me of my winnings?
Write your congressman. Use the spell-check, insert a paragraph break every 12 lines or so, do not mention, and do not include a copy of your poem.

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posted by Carl Bryant @ 10:36 PM   10 comments Literary Shirts

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At 11:42 PM, Blogger Beau Blue said...

Enter Our Poetry Contest!

The Acme Poetry contest
has a three poem limit
and an entry fee
of eighteen dollars.
The decisions of the judges
are final.

Oh, and we'll probably want
another few bucks
if you want to appear
in the anthology of suc...
er entrants ... er,
HONORABLE mentions,
we're planning on publishing
if all goes according to our greedy
little plan.

The judges?
Well, we have an elderly couple
who live in Smallville,
and only drive their '72 chevy
to the mailbox on Sundays to get
the poems we send them.

By the way, that car's for sale.




At 8:55 AM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

I've never seen this one of yours, Beau - I love it!



At 9:37 AM, Blogger SarahJane said...

so how do i enter? i mean, either one?



At 10:08 AM, Blogger Arlene said...

Here's another one:

The Baked Flying Potato Poetry Contest

Competition rules!

• The entry fee of three hundred dollars allows you to enter one poem. You may send as often as you like.

• Poems may be in any stove, of any leg, on any object.

· The decisions of the judges are filial. Winners will be contacted by their credit card companies and winning poems disappear on June 15, 24:00 GMT.

· The winning poem receives a one dollar gift check at The winner gets a baked potato lunch every day for 30 days at ITWS.

• We will burn your poem/s for you at an extra cost of fifty dollars/30 words.

• No altercations may be made regarding a poem once it has been submitted.

• Police officers are not eligible and may be prosecuted by the law.




At 11:59 AM, Blogger SarahJane said...

ha ha! good one, arlene.



At 12:07 PM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

Funny stuff, Arlene!

A potato at ITWS sounds lovely. I'm in!



At 8:46 AM, Blogger michi said...

*L* arlene!
and i suppose all participants must be related to the judge, who - of course - will not be named. or some such.
tee-hee at all this.



At 4:34 PM, Blogger christine said...

i wish i was published in "Trees- Shmees." sigh.



At 7:07 PM, Blogger Nadia said...

I love this... lol. I get 'em all the time. "Congratulations- you're one of our featured Poets! This tin-foil coated statue is yours, all you have to do is fly to Florida tomorrow at a cost of three million of your english pounds!"



At 1:34 PM, Blogger Pris said...

Hurricane Poetry Contest

For the tiny teeniest nonrefundable fee of ten thousand dollars, you can enter your poem into the Experience That Hurricane Contest. The winner will have ten copies of his or her poem dropped by small plane into the center of the next hurricane, to be swirled over the East Coast and Gulf. In addition, the winner will ride on the plane and as the hurricane hits landfall on Southeast Florida, will be dropped via parachute through the eye and land at the Trump Mansion where he or she will get to see if The Donald really does have any hair under that combover!

(I'm from South Florida, so am sponsoring this contest as a way of combatting my prehurricane jitters of the season!!! Send money fast1!)



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