Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Independence Day
July flips and rolls on my tongue
like a drumbeat.
Like a seed
of a Yankee Doodle summer
or a slice of watermelon
smiling
as if everyone I've ever lost
waits only as far away as my son
who has just learned how to whistle
and how to spit seeds so fast
they can heat the sky and tumble
to the edges of its dried skin.

posted by Carl Bryant @ 11:26 AM   7 comments Literary Shirts

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7 Comments:

At 2:15 PM, Blogger Pris said...

This is wonderful!!


 

 

At 3:45 PM, Blogger C. E. Chaffin said...

Carl,

Nice poem. You'll forgive an old editor if I point out some difficulties in reference that when corrected might strengthen the poem:


July flips and rolls on my tongue
like a drumbeat.
Like a seed
of a Yankee Doodle summer
or a slice of red melon
smiling through black freckles
as smooth as a new tooth.

{is it the watermelon or the freckles that is smooth? Also, why 'black' freckles when they are almost universally brown--unless, of course, you refer to the seeds, which is a long stretch of a metaphor}

[Like] (As if) everyone I've ever lost
waits only as far away as my son
who has just learned how to whistle
and how to spit watermelon seeds
so fast they can heat the air
and tumble on the dried skin
of 1972.

I also couldn't see any substance-determined divisions for your stanzas, so collapsed the poem into just two. And the reference to 1972 seems awfully personal; no hint for the reader about what it's about.

Couldn't resist,

CE


 

 

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

Thanks, CE!

Chalk it up to inexperience, or cough syrup - depending upon your personal level of generosity. I've edited per your suggestions.

I'll probably wish later that I'd waited until my head cleared, but such is the madness of poetry.

Carl


 

 

At 1:58 AM, Blogger jayne d'Arcy said...

This is very good, Carl. Would you consider submitting a poem for my writing group this sunday? If so, let me know at etherian@gmail.com. Thanks.


 

 

At 2:46 AM, Anonymous LJ said...

I like it. Then I am not a professional in any sense. When I write I do so because it feels right.When I read others I read in the sense that it is a part of that person shining through.


 

 

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

Pris, you're a peach.
Jayne - I'll have my people contact your people. People will have lunch.
Lynd - Thank you so much for commenting! Encouragement is a rare thing.


 

 

At 3:33 PM, Anonymous LJ said...

I think encouragement should always be given. There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism,as long as it is done to help and encourage you. Which the above I do believe was. Feel free to visit mine at some time. When you arrive click on the poetry tag at the side. Its not brilliant but,who cares?


 

 

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