Friday, February 09, 2007

Ted Haggard is cured off the gayness!

Haggard "Completely Heterosexual" Now

Disgraced mega-minister Ted Haggard, who resigned as pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs and as leader of a national evangelical group after it was revealed he had been blowing male sex worker Mike Jones for several years, has been pronounced "completely heterosexual" by Reverend Ted Ralph, one of a panel of ministers overseeing his three weeks of "intensive counseling."
- From an article in the gay city news.


I don't know what prompted his sexual healing, but I like to think this bumper sticker I painted a while back might have helped the man in some small way:




posted by Carl Bryant @ 1:25 AM   9 comments Literary Shirts

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9 Comments:

At 2:07 AM, Blogger SarahJane said...

I read that, too, and it bent my mind. I wonder how he proved it. Did the panel gauge his reaction to photographs and props? and come to think of it, touching yourself is kind of gay, too. snarf


 

 

At 9:04 AM, Blogger Ben said...

Lord, it's a miracle! Praise be to Jeeeeezus!

Check out the Onion's American Voices. They did a bit about it earlier this week that was pretty funny:

http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/haggard_scared_straight

This was my favorite:

Victoria Slulum,
Punch-Press Operator
"It's true. I saw that press conference where reporters tempted him by waving a bunch of meth-covered cocks in his face, and he didn't even flinch."


 

 

At 9:05 AM, Blogger Ben said...

http://www.theonion.com/
content/amvo/haggard_scared
_straight


 

 

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

Sarah - I suppose (since gayness is simply a "lifestyle choice" to live in sin) that it's easy to "cure" a gay evangelical Christian. What sins you commit within your own hearts are of no consequence. Jebus never said nuthin 'bout coveting your neighbor's meth-soaked teenaged son.
Then again... I seem to remember the bible saying something about Jesus loving Peter. Maybe I'm missing some subtext there.

Ben, I hear the treatment works - but Haggard becomes violently ill now whenever he hears Beethoven's 9th symphony.


 

 

At 8:21 PM, Blogger LKD said...

So, who watched Jesus when he touched himself?

I guess I'll go to hell for asking.

Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.

Ha.

I don't miss god, to quote Courtney-trainwreck-Love, but I sure miss Santa Claus.


 

 

At 4:59 AM, Blogger Arlene said...

teehee, what a riot. jesus did love peter, didn't he? i wonder if it had anything to do with him being called the rock.

michi was very disappointed when you didn't show up with your bowling team (armed with balls) in vienna. she ended up kissing frogs to fill up her depression.

oh. and tag! please name your 10 favorite movies. porn flicks are okay, i think — that's probably what you watch most of the time. michi will be very interested.

a.


 

 

At 9:09 PM, Blogger Carl Bryant said...

Wait a minute - that wasn't you and Michi we hung out with in Vienna???

I was a bit suspicious (I didn't remember you two mentioning that you both had lisps and were mentally handicapped, and I was too much of a gentleman to mention it.)

Oh well.... we had a nice time. We bowled. We drank beer. We puked. We had weird foreign sex on the cobblestones.

Pseudo-you and pseudo-Michi watched.


 

 

At 9:56 AM, Anonymous Emo Scene Layouts said...

these religious people are nuts.


 

 

At 5:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

these religious people are nuts.
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