Carl's Tiny Brain

It seems I've been tagged by the weird Italian poet lady to write a top-ten list of porn films on television, so here you go.

Let me start by saying I don't normally like to watch porn films - I'm suckered into watching them by Skinemax. Allow me to explain.

They'll trick a sleepy not-too-bright guy who's quickly channel surfing by showing soft-core porn with a title nearly the same as a popular movie. Last night I clicked the remote for what I thought was "Lord of the Rings," and ended up instead with number one on the list:

1. Lord of the G-strings.

I bet you didn't know this, but hobbits are actually short nymphomaniacs with dirty feet, huge breasts, and absolutely no acting ability (I'm not judging hastily - I gave them an hour and a half to impress me.)

Likewise with number two:

2. Kinky Kong. (What a 2-hour let-down! …and it's even worse the second time you watch it.)

So now I'm wondering about gay porn, and if the acting is just as bad for them… so I flip over to the LOGO channel and watch a guy doing a strip tease. It's almost exactly the same as hetero porn… except the guy is putting his clothes ON the whole time. When he finished, he looked absolutely fabulous.

After two hours of watching the Home Shopping Network, (hoping in vain to find that dreamy shirt) I decided to include a bit of gay porn as number three.

3. Anything on the Home Shopping Network.


I'm back to channel surfing late-night cable, and - voila - I find the perfect bad porno:

4. Star Wars: Episode One. What an awful f*cking movie!

In the interests of friendship and science, I'm staying up way past my bedtime to research this list. All for science and Arlene Ang.

The true test of friendship is the willingness to watch porn all alone late at night. I wonder if Ms. Ang would do the same for me.

I don't want to know the answer - either way.

I'm afraid Star Wars numbed my brain (how wude!) I nodded off and slept through numbers five, six, seven, and eight - but meeee-sa did wake in time to watch my number nine-a favorite sick-o show.

9. Peewee's Playhouse.

I'm sorry, but Peewee Herman as a pervert just didn't surprise me in the slightest. I love watching reruns of the show now that I'm sure there's something wrong with him. Judging Peewee harshly for every possible sexual innuendo is so much fun it's painful.

Speaking of pain... I was surfing the web last week to research weird sexual fetishes. I found one fetish website that's devoted entirely to pictures of women in arm casts. That's it. No nudity. No lingerie. No sexy suggestive poses or smiles. Just arm casts.

Apparently, there is a whole culture of men turned on by pictures of clumsy, injured women. Hey - to each his own, but it does bring us to the end of the list:

10. Debbie Does Dialysis.