Friday, January 26, 2007

Going to the dogs
I've been wasting a lot of time working on my tshirt shop Absolute Cotton.

I don't really need the money, but I get a kick out of designing and selling weird stuff on the internet. I suppose it's like an online version of Monopoly for the socially impaired. In the game, I'm somewhere between Baltic Avenue and the bottom of the little shiny boot.

Last night, I drank a lot of beer and decided I needed a pet section - so here you go:

Some things are only funny when a dog says them.

I get a monthly check...

I wore this same dress...

Doggie style

She killed the last one...

got leg?

Bitches love me should see my sexy nightie

...And I vote!

posted by Carl Bryant @ 5:16 PM   11 comments Literary Shirts

Monday, January 22, 2007


I spent last Sunday on the Broad River with my new fly rod. A great blue heron was fishing just upstream, and was apparently much more skilled.

I spent an hour following him up the river, picking up fishing tips and snapping photos with my Rebel (70/300 lens and Kodak HD400 film - for those that care.)

Clicking either photograph will take you to my photographic tile boxes and other items with that image.

posted by Carl Bryant @ 11:26 AM   6 comments Literary Shirts

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Very Superstitious
I made the mistake of clearing 3 browser hijack objects from my wife's computer. Now, "everything looks different" since I started "clicking around." I'm in the doghouse.

I have four years of university schooling in computer programming, a tech degree in electronics, and 20 years of continuing education to maintain my professional licenses. I'm the GM of a firm specializing in custom automation design and coding for utility companies. On the side, I like to click around and screw up the computers of unsuspecting housewives.

The problem (as I see it) is a superstitious mindset. I encounter it often.

Customers will often call to complain about something not working properly and will claim it's my fault, even if it's completely unrelated to any issue I've corrected. It usually begins somewhere along the lines of "the lightbulb in my desklamp was working fine until you installed the mux board in the computer room" and ends with me saying something damaging to my career.

People like to ascribe causes to events - any cause. It makes no difference at all to them if they don't understand the cause they're claiming - in fact, blind faith strengthens their resolve.

Imagine calling a microwave repairman and telling him that the microwave was working fine until your husband stood on one foot. He might listen and nod, but he'll not care. He'll poke around, find a bad magnetron tube or a blown xfmr winding, and fix it. If he's feeling generous, he might give you a cause you can understand: "It was an act of God," he'll say.

Anyway, I fixed the "looking different" problem with my "clicking around" while she was in the shower. It was completely unrelated.

I foresee a day when science will downplay causality. They'll claim that it's an illusion which occurs in macro systems, and you shouldn't worry too much about it. Perhaps one day we'll believe it and move on.

That'll probably happen about 2 days after the rapture.

posted by Carl Bryant @ 6:03 PM   4 comments Literary Shirts

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Poetry is a Lonely Thing
After a very long stretch of writing fiction, I've returned to the writing of poetry.

Allow me to correct myself: I've returned to insecurity and self-loathing.

I was going to post something poetically sappy, but I've decided instead to list my top ten euphemisms for writing poetry that work equally well as euphemisms for masturbation.

10. Capturing the essence of Longfellow.

  9. Trying for a magazine spot.

  8. Shooting myself in the foot.

  7. Polishing until it no longer shines.

  6. Grinding the pencil to a nub.

  5. Trying a well-worn device.

  4. Spewing my emotions onto paper.

  3. Coming to grips with a little issue.

  2. Dragging my post to online criticism.

  1. Stroking myself until I have an orgasm.

posted by Carl Bryant @ 7:46 PM   10 comments Literary Shirts

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

It looks like Massachusetts may be on the road to banning same-sex marriage. A lobby led by a religious few has prompted lawmakers to advance a constitutional amendment defining marriage as the union between a man and woman - otherwise known as "no-sex" marriage.

That's democracy in action. Scare people with hints of a vengeful god, allow them to vote their fear, and it becomes valid and righteous for the majority to strip whatever rights they choose from whatever minority they choose.

Equal Rights is an issue for the courts, not the polls.

Wake up, people. One day, you'll be the minority.

posted by Carl Bryant @ 12:59 AM   4 comments Literary Shirts

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I May as Well Go Blogger Myself
Anyone want to take bets on how long it'll be before "blogger" becomes a derogatory term?

He's such a total blogger. This office is all bloggered up. Stop bloggering around.

If the comments aren't still bloggered, you may place your bets.

posted by Carl Bryant @ 1:46 PM   4 comments Literary Shirts

Monday, January 01, 2007

A New Day is Dawning
The Interior Department proposed Wednesday to designate polar bears as a threatened species.

Apparently, when we heat the planet enough to melt all of the ice in the arctic, it not only makes life hell for republicans... it makes life hard for the polar bears, too.

" a conference call with reporters, Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne said that although his decision to seek protection for polar bears acknowledged the melting of the Arctic ice, his department was not taking a position on why the ice was melting or what to do about it."

The FDA says meat from cloned animals is safe for human consumption.

A recent study found that 64% of Americans expressed a discordant viewpoint of whole-organism mammalian reproductive clone consumption, of which 46% were strongly discordant. Another study found that when the wording was changed, 80% were "agin it," with 65% "rilly agin it."

The FDA defended its findings by claiming that (by law) they could only consider the real scientific evidence. Consumer groups have expressed outrage at such an insanely sensible law.

Saddam Hussein was
recently executed.

Tiny Brain sources report President Bush planned to call beforehand and apologize for the whole "mass destruction" misunderstanding, but was distracted by a bit of shiny tinfoil stuck to the end of a sweaty polar bear.

Have a wonderful New Year!

posted by Carl Bryant @ 11:48 AM   0 comments Literary Shirts