Carl's Tiny Brain

The Stem Cell Veto Song

George-Bush loves the little chill-dren,
All the children in the fridge.
Embryonic and snow-white
With a petri dish frostbite,
They're precious people
- 'til it's time to clean the fridge.

Tomorrow is forecast to be another 100+ day. The heat has made life in Georgia miserable. Therefore, I've decided to make everyone else equally miserable - by writing a few horrible "it's so hot.." jokes.

Feel free to forward this in an email to everyone you dislike.

Religions

It's so hot, the Baptists aren't burning any books.

It's so hot, Satan went home until it cools off.

It's so hot, the Jehovah's Witnesses are thinking of putting in a window.


Plants and Animals

It's so hot, the squirrels are leaving their nuts uncovered.

It's so hot, I saw a cornfield explode.

It's so hot, my dog is afraid to lick his own butt.


People

It's so hot, a woman spilled McDonald's coffee in her lap - and didn't sue.

It's so hot, every gay person who came out has gone back in.

It's so hot, President Bush is starting to make sense.
(Sorry, Texas - I didn't understand.)


Just Plain Stupid

It's so hot, even my wife is losing weight.



How hot is it where you live?

According to my MD - I have a sinus infection, strep throat, a nasty cough, an ear inflammation, and what remains of my tonsils have become "pretty red." "Red" I can deal with, but it's creepy when a Georgia doctor says you have any sort of pretty mouth.

Here's what happened in the world while I was out sick:

The Georgia Supreme Court overturned a ruling by a lower court that removed the ban on same-sex marriage. This is bad news for all Georgia homosexuals who married immediately after the lower-court ruling - as they are all now "living in sin."

Man... I can't wait for the rapture to thin the diseased minds from the herd. I'm ready for some peace and mutual respect.

Korea launched a missile everyone said was capable of reaching US soil, but it flew for about 40 seconds and blew up. If they want to nuke us, it looks like our embassy in Korea is the most likely target. Scary - if you're Korean.

Israel attacked Lebanon for harboring Hezbollah. Everyone knows Iran is the real sponsor of Hezbollah, but Iran probably has nukes and Israel isn't stupid. Crazy - yes. Stupid - no. The lesson for President Bush is: "Never attack a terrorist state for having WMD's if those WMD's actually exist." Amen to that.

Speaking of Bush... The President - at a Meeting of 8 summit in Russia - forgot his microphone was on and rambled unsupervised until Tony Blair turned off the microphone. Here's what Bush said about the situation in Lebanon: “See the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s over.”

^ Change "Syria" to "Halliburton" and "Hezbollah" to "George Bush."
The irony is so thick... it could sit on the Georgia Supreme Court.

In local news: I made a TV commercial for one of our sister companies, where I pretended to be one of their customers. Then I took my shirt off for the next segment and pretended to be one of their employees. It has aired about a million times in Georgia. Nobody pays any attention to the first part.

I’ve probably made the newspapers at least 6 dozen times – with groundbreaking ceremonies, music reviews of my old concerts, etc – and I’m famous as “that guy who wears a white t-shirt and works in the back.”

I've decided to milk it.

Tomorrow: I wear a white t-shirt and get stuck in a well with a gay guy.

However... I refuse to mention breasts, World Cup Soccer, or Cartoon Network. I have my pride.

Have a Poetry McNugget.


Drought

Brown and bent in the dust beyond,
crops pray to clouds too proud to break.
Below them both, starched Georgia clay
piously scorns what the Lord doesn't take.

July flips and rolls on my tongue
like a drumbeat.
Like a seed
of a Yankee Doodle summer
or a slice of watermelon
smiling
as if everyone I've ever lost
waits only as far away as my son
who has just learned how to whistle
and how to spit seeds so fast
they can heat the sky and tumble
to the edges of its dried skin.

I have the dreaded and oxymoronic summer cold.

When I’m sick the whole world seems to fizzle and slow down - like a firecracker I’m afraid to approach. I’m not sure if it's a dud, or if it's going to blow up any second in my snotty face. Here's what I mean:

Scientists say ants can count.

Scientists trained desert ants, Cataglyphis fortis, to walk along a straight path from their nest entrance to a feeder 30 feet away. If the nest or feeder was moved, the ants would break from their straight path after reaching the anticipated spot and search for their goal.

Next, the researchers performed a little cosmetic surgery.

They glued stilt-like extensions to the legs of some ants to lengthen stride. The researchers shortened other ants' stride length by cutting off the critters' feet and lower legs, reducing their legs to stumps.
…
The ants on stilts took the right number of steps, but because of their increased stride length, marched past their goal. Stump-legged ants, meanwhile, fell short of the goal.
-http://www.livescience.com

Ants on stilts? Now this is why we need controls on evil scientists.

What if those mechanically mutated ants had gotten loose? Can you imagine an army of desert ants eight feet tall and marching straight toward you? Creepy? Apocalyptic? Hell, yes.

Save me, Tom Cruise. Save me.

I have a summer cold, a Robitussin hangover, and life as I know it is coming to an end.